there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
