I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
