Someone shit on the floor
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My vagina is officially offended.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
