Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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