I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
