I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
