and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
