I would go down on you faster than GM stock
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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