also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize