Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
