please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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