12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
