Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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