Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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