HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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