Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
