Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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