And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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