the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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