No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
