Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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