Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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