I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We're too hungover to prance.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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