I wish I only lived at night.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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