The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
