Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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