I heard we made out
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
