I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
