she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
