I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
