Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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