i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
