Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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