i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
