I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
