apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
