I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My vagina just clenched in fear
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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