Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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