I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
