Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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