is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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