i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
