I haven't been this sober since birth.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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