i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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