You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
