How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize