Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize