had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
