So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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