She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
