Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
