I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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