Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So apparently I’m into choking now
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