I am puke
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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