My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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