Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
