Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
