i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
