3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
