Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
