Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
