life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
look no pants
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize