ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
