I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
