just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize