Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
