happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
