well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
