I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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